Joliet birth mother wants best for her newborn daughter

By DENISE M. BARAN-UNLAND For Sun-Times Media

It never occurred to Barb, 22 of Joliet, not to breast-feed her daughter, even though another family was adopting the baby.

After participating in the Will County Health Department’s WIC (Women, Infants and Children) program, Barb, who wishes to remain anonymous, attended the program’s breast-feeding classes and learned of the health benefits of breast-feeding for baby and mother.

So after Barb gave birth on April 30, she nursed her baby for three days then put her in the arms of the adoptive mother.

Barb continues to pump and dump her milk. She hopes she can find a nearby milk bank that will want her milk.

“There are plenty of babies who need breast milk, but their mothers either can’t or won’t nurse,” Barb said.

Decision questioned

Plenty of well-meaning people criticized her decision to briefly nurse a baby she would not raise.

“They thought breast-feeding would create an emotional bond that would make it harder to give her up,” Barb said. “But I’d been carrying her inside me for nine months. I felt her moving around inside me. That bond was already there.”

Barb and her boyfriend were only 21 when they learned she was pregnant. Both were working. Barb was also taking online classes to become a pharmacy technician. Neither one, Barb felt, was mature enough to provide high-quality parenting to an infant.

“A lot of pregnant 16-year-olds keep their babies, but they want to hang out with their friends all the time,” Barb said. “I think you give up that right when you become a mother.”

Adoption debate

Supporting a baby required making tough choices. Barb would have to quit her job; her boyfriend would have to work two jobs; or they both would work and leave the baby’s care to a succession of friends and relatives. None of the options settled with Barb.

Barb also feared the stress of raising a baby, along with reduced sleep and income, would lead to arguments over parenting styles and their loss of independence.

To prove her point, Barb set her alarm clock to every two hours around the clock and discovered she was not emotionally ready for that lifestyle.

“It would not have been right to keep her,” Barb said. “I love my daughter very much and so does my boyfriend, but we couldn’t be happier for her. Sometimes I get an emotional rush and start crying, but I know we made the right choice.”

Choosing right family

Barb knew adoption was not a dismal option. Her mother grew up with adopted parents.

Barb particularly wanted her daughter to experience a childhood similar to her own, so she requested the baby be adopted by a Catholic family. Equally satisfying for Barb is that the family has a 4-year-old girl; Barb and her sister were four years apart.

With an open adoption arrangement, Barb, as birth mother, is still an active member of the baby’s family. She’s just not the parent who rears the baby.

For pregnant women unable to responsibly raise a baby, Barb highly recommends open adoption. “Adoption is no longer good-bye forever,” she said.

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